Ten top reasons a Hurricane is like Christmas

Ten top reasons a Hurricane is like Christmas

......Everyone needs a little laughter.....

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:
At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house!

Things I learned during Hurricane Ike

Things I learned during our Hurricane Ike . . .

1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).

4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

5. Cats are even more irritating without power.

6. He who has the biggest generator wins.

7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish they weren't around you.

8. A new method of non-lethal torture -- showers without hot water.

9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.

13. Flood plain drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.

14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.

18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!

21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.

23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.

24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states' blackout.

27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the 'dry' part and it's worthless.

29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

The Heterosexual Questionnaire

This came from my new MySpace friend "The Lesbian Mafia". I just had to post it here because it is so funny! Enjoy! ~Lissa

HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommates know?
7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
9. Why do heterosexuals feel so compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?
11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?
12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?
13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest of sexually transmitted disease. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?
14. How can you expect to become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?
15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own orientation?
17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you change if you really want to. Have you ever considered aversion therapy?
18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems (s)he would face?

(Anonymous)

Moondog’s response to the one-legged parachute jumper.

Moondog strikes again! This time I sent out the story about a guy from New York who lost his prosthetic leg while sky diving. The story is as follows:

NY man loses prosthetic leg while skydiving

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. - An upstate New York man says he's still upbeat despite losing the same leg twice. Scott Listemann told the Poughkeepsie Journal that he laughs about losing his foot and lower leg "both the first time and the second time."

The Poughkeepsie man lost his leg below the knee in a November, 2007 accident. Listemann, 47, lost his prosthetic leg last month while skydiving in upstate New York.

The lower leg below the knee, with a foot clad in a running shoe, flew off after he jumped from the plane but before the parachute opened. Listemann says he's sure "it will show up eventually."

Listemann has distributed flyers throughout upstate Gardiner and hopes someone will find his prosthetic leg and call him.

...So this is the response I get back from Moondog:

"oh shit lopsided landing,,,

"Poukipsee tower ,, we are having trouble lowering both landing gear,,, have an ambulance standing by thank you.."



20 miles north of pouhkipsee,, today a man was kicked in the head by a bodiless leg,, the leg was wearing a running shoe,, but did not run after kicking the man in the head,,,, no ID was found on the leg,, but it is being held for assault....

While skydiving Saturday afternoon,,, Lefty Liftowitz, had his artificial eye fly out of his head,, In an interelated story, a panhandler in the Bronx while looking up to the sky to ask God, why he had to lose his eye, was hit in the head and when he became conscious he had a new artificial eye...

go figure,, that is todays news,, have a jolly good evening"

LOL.. Moondog never fails to suprise me!

On one of my many joke emails I usually send out daily, I got a reply back from our friend "Moondog" with his own twist answer. I was never really looking for an answer to this riddle because the punchline is at the end of it, but I absolutely love his answer! Check it out!

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way

and you can't seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

...and this was Moondog's response:

Shoot an ostrich, the lion stops to eat it ,, that trips the horse,, and the other ostrich stop to put their head in the sand, and you pass the gazelles on the right....

how did I do?

LISSA’S: Bichology

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Bichology

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, I'm called a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, I'm called a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, I'm called a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. B - Beauty B - Beautiful I - In I - Individual T - Total T - That C - Control of C - Can H - Herself H - Handle Anything

thanks Apryl!