LISSA'S: Feelin’ Down?

Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These . . .
.............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????
.............................
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
.............................
A woman came home to fin d her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly c urrent, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?
.............................
Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
............................
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better!

LISSA’S: It started like this....

I get an email from Moondog. Just a standard joke jpg.






So I read it and realized that a Wal-Mart associate could have easily invented something like this! So I reply back to Moondog and tell him this.

The next day, this is what I get in my email from Moondog:

walley employee inventions:

Prick-be-Gone- one spray and obnoxious Pricks would scurry for more
fruitful bitching areas..

AssitaManaga, shock call- one touch of the AM shock call and the
Assistant Mangagement receives a 3000 volt head twister every time an
irrate customer attacks an associate.

Customer-Service-kit- given to customers by door greeters, inside
map of merchandise, common courtesy terms, and training manual,
regulations regarding rudeness and the consequences,, complimentary
samples of vodka, scotch ,, and rum mixed drink offers....


ISN'T MOONDOG GREAT?!? LMAO!!!

LISSA’S: Are you Texomite?

How to Identify Yourself as 'White Trash'

Most experts will identify the term "white trash" as a derogatory appelation. Like most such terminology, it is therefore only okay when one happens to be white trash as well. Thus, recognizing oneself as white trash is the first step toward safely utilizing the term when describing others.

---

1: Am I White Trash? The list below is indicative of the typical characteristics of white trash. The more you personally answer "yes" to, the more likely it is you qualify.

-- Are you caucasian? (Required)

-- Do you follow NASCAR? How about monster truck rallies?

-- When the World Wrestling Federation changed their name to World Wrestling Entertainment, did you have to get a tattoo altered?

-- Just in general, do you have more than three tattoos?

-- Does your home have wheels under it?

-- Do you only dance when the steps are either prearranged (i.e., the Chicken Dance, the Electric Slide) or are shouted out to you in advance? (i.e., square dancing.)

-- Do you enjoy hunting? If yes, do you feel that fully automatic weaponry is absolutely required when planning an assault on deer?

-- Stand at the edge of your property and turn around slowly. While turning, did you at any point see a cornfield?

-- When you pronounce the word "nuclear" does an extra "U" end up in between the "C" and the "L"?

-- When attending football games, do you apply paint to any part of your body?

-- Do you regard anything not recorded in Nashville with extreme disdain?

-- Did you just have to look up the word 'disdain'?

-- Does improving the reception on your television set involve tin foil?

-- Did you not feel any need to attend college because you figured you learned plenty in high school?

-- Is 'evolution' a swear word in your home?

Terror Strikes New Orleans Again!

The Top April Fool’s Jokes

The Top April Fool’s Jokes

* Fill the sugar bowl with salt...
Yummy...sure makes those wheaties/coffee taste good ! Not very
original, but highly effective! You can also use baking soda, will make hot coffee foam and bubble up!

* Switch the "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on a pair of public
bathrooms while they’re occupied.

* Take tape the color of someone’s kitchen sprayer and tape the
trigger and aim it toward the front of the sink, where a person normally stands. The next person using the water will get soaked!

* Put some magnetic strips from those anti-theft devices in your
victim’s coat pocket before they leave a store.

* Put cherry Kool-aid mix in the shower head. What a surprise
first thing in the morning!

* For men - Take about 10 large safety pins; when your wife is
sound asleep attach her nightgown to the sheets with the safety pins. Lay back and wait for her to "turn over" .

* For women - Hide the the remote control. Watch your husband go nuts trying to find it. Or just take out the batteries. He will sit there for a long time trying to figure out what’s wrong with it.

* At the workplace- Grab a bottle of lotion that everybody uses and empty it out, then put in some of that cheap instant tanning lotion. Then in a few hours, people will walking around with orange hands, arms and maybe even faces.

* Submit your friend’s name to the newspaper’s obituary column.

* Discreetly take your friend’s car keys (you will have to sneak them back) and move their car down the block in the middle of the night or during lunch hour.

* Superglue a couple quarters to the ground on a busy sidewalk or
parking lot. Watch as people continue to try and pick them up.

* Butter all the doorknobs and toilet seats! Then stand back and
watch the fun!

LISSA’S: Hair Removal

Hair Removal

By: Anonymous

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,

Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it’s not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know

I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter.

"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She’s laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD THAT BURNS!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. "IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color....."

Funny Dogs

Thanks Apryl

Funny Faces

Thanks Apryl

LISSA’S: A Day at the Rodeo

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.






My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year".



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.






My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him".



We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR .






My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one".



I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".



Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery!

LISSA’S: Old People... God Bless ’em!

Thanks Brian!

LISSA’S: Simple Home Remedies

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Food for Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Thanks Jennifer!

LISSA’S: "Pinch My Nipples!!"

Wal-Mart Returns

This is hilarious! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,



'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Thanks Apryl!

LISSA’S: Bichology

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Bichology

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, I'm called a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, I'm called a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, I'm called a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. B - Beauty B - Beautiful I - In I - Individual T - Total T - That C - Control of C - Can H - Herself H - Handle Anything

thanks Apryl!

LISSA’S: Why do we have two hands?

Thanks Apryl!

LISSA’S: Jay Leno Needs A Bodyguard